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Well it's done. I moved out today after packing my life up in cardboard boxes and leaving what I've known for the past two and a half years. I am doing my best to think of other things and to keep myself busy and optimistic. That's hard considering all I want to do is crawl up in bed and sob. I hate this "woe is me" attitude I've got right now - but even thought this was my decisions I feel I still need to grieve the ending of this relationship.

Everyone has been extremely supportive and I'm overwhelmed and eternally grateful for their help and kind words. I am in limbo currently, and I hate it. I HATE not being in control, not knowing what I'm going to be doing or where I'll be. Some people thrive on that sort of thing, but I don't. I also hate needing help and leaning on others for support., because I feel like a mooch. Everyone assures me that is not mooching if it's offered. The only plan I have at this point is to stay at my parents house for now, with all of my possessions in the  basement and in boxes, and stay at a friend's house during the work week. I don't want to be a house guest forever though because that's rude. I intend on paying for food and helping with the electric bill if it turns out I'm there more often than I come home.

 I used to feel so independent. Now I realize I never was. I simply traded my dependency on my parents for a dependency on John. Now I'm right back where I started. I have lost my friend in the process and I am alone again. I feel like I'm at the lowest point in my life right now.

Aren't these supposed to be the best years of your life? :(

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What's interesting is how everyone excuses it in their own mind.

You can't find anyone who simply says, "The rules don't apply to us because we're awesome!" Thanks to Special Pleading, there are elaborate mental gymnastics that happen inside them that eliminate even their feelings of guilt. And the thing is, sometimes they're right; you did call your boss a motherfucker because you were having a bad day. You do have bad habits due to your childhood upbringing. You were abrupt with your girlfriend because you were running late.

But what's strange is we don't let anyone else have those excuses. The girl behind the counter at Starbucks wasn't rude because she was having a bad day. She's just a bitch. The kid at Best Buy wasn't just clueless about the return policy, he was intentionally evil and trying to steal your money. Some of us have held grudges for years, based on actions by someone else that we've forgiven ourselves for doing countless times.

They might as well call it the "This Is Why The World Seems to be Full of Dicks" fallacy."